Hi.
I'm not the best driver. I do believe this has been acknowledged in previous emails :) However, I don't like to admit that I'm a bad driver - it's a total pride thing. Besides, I don't particularly have a lot of tickets or accidents that would serve as any sort of implications of bad driving.
But just between me and you...I'm a bad driver. I get lost a lot. Something I'll deny until my death. I like to claim that I'm really good at getting places; which, with perfect, to-the-mile marker directions, I'm great. My question is, what did everyone do before Mapquest and Yahoo Maps! I suppose buggies didn't fly by turns quite as fast as my little Bessie, the '93 Sentra, does. My dad can vouch for my incredibly innate lacking sense of direction... An all too familiar phone call from his lovely and dearest daughter sounds something like, "uh, hi, dad? Are you near a computer? I'm here…and I need to get...there!"
Moving on...not only do a get lost a lot, but I also sort of hmm, what's the word, zone out? Yeah, that's it, I zone out a lot. But ever since arriving back in Grand Haven I seem to zone out even more. Particularly at four-way stops. I've noticed that I don't take any notice at all to whom has arrived first, and then, instead of waiting, I just take off (assuming it's my turn). Too often other cars start - probably, because it actually is their turn - I speed up, all of a sudden confused once I snap back into it. And then leave the scene of the "zone out" completely and totally embarrassed and a wee bit sheepish feeling - and to be honest, incredibly thankful that I didn't get hit!
The other day I was driving in to town. Upon nearing a four-way stop, and much to my amazement, I actually looked to see if any other cars were coming up on the four-way. Holy Hannah! I thought, I actually paid attention. (I know, I got a lecture about using "holy" in front of words when I was a kid, but that's what I thought). I quickly gave myself a metaphorical "pat on the back," which was only followed by the realization that I didn't actually stop at the stop sign; moreover, I sort of rolled through it. I'm not good at that either - the actual stopping part of stop signs.
In fact, when I was in high school. I accidentally ran through a red light, sped my way through a residential area, came upon a four-way stop sign and blew through it, all the while commenting to my friend, "watch this!" Unfortunately there was a cop sitting at the four-way stop sign, who had the shear surprise of watching my reckless driving and the pure pleasure of pulling me over. Luckily, after a small side conversation about having two licenses (which is illegal, by the way) and not knowing which one to pass along to him, as I commented on the fact my hair was down in one, and that my hair looked better down; He came back and let me go mentioning something about the state not liking it when young drivers get tickets and the fact that yes, indeed, my hair did look better down!
All that to say, five or six years later and I'm still horrible at stop signs, plowing through them or rolling right on by. But as I said, the other week I may have rolled through the sign, but somehow I managed to take note of whether or not other cars were nearing. And a few blocks later I managed to not only look to see if other cars were at the stop sign, but I also stopped. In fact, I stopped so good I was actually able to let another car go who had arrived at the stop sign after me.
Okay, besides taking note to never ever ride with me in the car, please also note that my driving reflects life. Life is a process. Life is a journey. There are so many things in life that I just can't seem to do better at...I might have a few good days, but often not, more bad days. Days where I'm patient and days where I lose it all the time. Days where I'm thoughtful and days where I'm very self-centered. You get the picture, right? I share my driving with you as a precautionary notice and warning for those who do dare take the passenger seat with me, and to also remind you to keep on going...Today, you may make great strides, or you may flounder a bit. Tomorrow you may be head high with frustration or your may be surfing the waves of life. Either way, today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow. Keep on trying, keep on working at it.
As I said, I don't have a lot of things that would imply I'm a bad driver, but I know I could do better. And even though we may not always be called out on our struggles or issued a ticket when we "mess up" we all know we could be doing better, right?
It was really nice when I actually was truly aware of my surroundings...and it was even better when I gave myself the chance to waive the other lady on...
It's nice, when in life we're aware of what's going on, and it's even better when we're able to put others before us!
Cheering you on through driver's training :)
May you keep going through the tickets, traffic jams, stop signs, and even the fender benders of life!
Kaylee
Jun 10, 2008
Lagging behind.
Buenos Dias!
What do you do when you're 23, living with your parents, and wondering if you'll ever find a job? You walk --- a lot.
That's what you do, and that's what I was doing today. I was on a walk. As I chugged along a path, which winds through the woods and down to the beach (absolutely beautiful), I heard a few voices behind me. They were the voices of three men, dressed in jeans, collared shirts, and pagers on their hips. They didn't look like runners or joggers. They weren't even dressed for a walk of this distance and intensity. To be honest, I really didn't think they'd end up catching up to me, but it didn't take too long for the pitter patter of their feet to pitter patter right on past me. Alongside me, one of them looked at me and said, "beautiful day isn't it?" They were just chatting up a storm, something about walleye fishing and big waves. As they continued up the path with a hop in their step and a spring in their stride I thought to myself, with that much joy and excitement, they look like the disciples running to the tomb (as the irony of fishing and big waves finally hits me).
I wondered why a few grown men would randomly remind me of the disciples running to the tomb....
To be honest, as they passed me, I couldn't help but feel like I was lagging...lagging behind. And as odd as it may sound, even when they were behind me I felt like I was lagging. Somehow they carried something with them. Something I didn't seem to have this morning; a sort of joy-filled spirit. They walked as if on the best adventure ever. They had a mission, a destination, even if the mission was just to keep on walking.
Is it possible that though they didn't even looked like they belonged on the path that they somehow understood and enjoyed the path that much more than me?
Is it possible that we dress ourselves up as Catholics, Methodists, Episcopalians...as you know, Christians; and yet somehow others understand and enjoy the beauty of the earth, the significance of relationships, and the joy of love more than we do?
I'm not really trying to give a comparison act here...In fact, I shouldn't try and categorize this at all...let me explain.
I'm reading this book right now. It discusses the modern era, the postmodern era, and how we, as Christians, throughout this transition between the modern era and the postmodern era might merge out as perhaps a new kind of Christian. (In fact, that's the title of the book, A New Kind of Christian).
There's a point where, when talking about what this new kind of Christian might look like, that reads...
I believe Jesus meant it when he said the Spirit of God would be with us, guiding us, to the very end. So I believe that he will guide us through these winds and currents of change, no matter what storms come. In fact, I believe that he is the wind in our sails, leading us into change, because that's his way. He always moves ahead. He's not about taking us back into the past, some beautiful illusion of good old days. He has a purpose he is working toward, and I want to keep up with him. I suppose that's my greatest fear, not that I'll go too fast or too far, but that I'll lag behind.
So I wonder. Am I keeping up with God? Is it possible that in the modern era, an era devoted to systems, numbers, control that we're lagging?
That we're too stuck on numbers... (How many were saved tonight? Did you have prayer time for 30 minutes this morning?)
That we're too stuck on systems... (If you do this and don't do that then it's all good. A relationship with God looks like this: read your Bible, go to church, and sing a lot of worship songs. Oh, and don't forget about Bible studies).
That we're still stuck on the idea of conquering and controlling...(Are you a Christian? Do you belong to my elite group?).
I'm not saying these are wrong things or bad things. I'm just saying, I think there's more, and I think that even though I might be on the path, that I'm still not quite getting it. On my walk this morning I knew the system. I knew left foot, right foot. And yes, I was on the path, but I still was lagging. I know the system. I'm on the path. But is God calling me to something more?
So how, in the era in which we find ourselves immersed, do we keep up with God? He's putting the world back together and making all things new isn't He? For me, I know I'm lagging when it comes to recycling. I'm also much quicker to criticize and judge than to edify and encourage so as to conquer and control situations (or at least attempt to control them). And I tend to put a system, a box, around my Jesus, which limits how incredibly wonderful and beautiful He is.
There was a point where the men I saw on my walk this morning veered left and I veered right. I continued to think about all the implications these men and their stride had on my life. I saw them later en route. One of them was now on his cell phone. Again, couldn't help but think of them as the disciples, on a mission, to share what they had seen and heard...
I want that. I want to carry God with me. I want to share what He's working to do --- restore the world; creating a world that is of love, and joy, equality, community, a stable environment, patience, peace throughout, no endangered species...I want to join in on that. And I want to work towards that. And I want others to join in on that as well.
I'm better for having those men cross my path today. I hope that my life is the same for those whom I encounter!
Cheering you on as we catch up to a God who is always moving.
May we have not fear for change, but may we embrace the art of making all things new.
Kaylee
What do you do when you're 23, living with your parents, and wondering if you'll ever find a job? You walk --- a lot.
That's what you do, and that's what I was doing today. I was on a walk. As I chugged along a path, which winds through the woods and down to the beach (absolutely beautiful), I heard a few voices behind me. They were the voices of three men, dressed in jeans, collared shirts, and pagers on their hips. They didn't look like runners or joggers. They weren't even dressed for a walk of this distance and intensity. To be honest, I really didn't think they'd end up catching up to me, but it didn't take too long for the pitter patter of their feet to pitter patter right on past me. Alongside me, one of them looked at me and said, "beautiful day isn't it?" They were just chatting up a storm, something about walleye fishing and big waves. As they continued up the path with a hop in their step and a spring in their stride I thought to myself, with that much joy and excitement, they look like the disciples running to the tomb (as the irony of fishing and big waves finally hits me).
I wondered why a few grown men would randomly remind me of the disciples running to the tomb....
To be honest, as they passed me, I couldn't help but feel like I was lagging...lagging behind. And as odd as it may sound, even when they were behind me I felt like I was lagging. Somehow they carried something with them. Something I didn't seem to have this morning; a sort of joy-filled spirit. They walked as if on the best adventure ever. They had a mission, a destination, even if the mission was just to keep on walking.
Is it possible that though they didn't even looked like they belonged on the path that they somehow understood and enjoyed the path that much more than me?
Is it possible that we dress ourselves up as Catholics, Methodists, Episcopalians...as you know, Christians; and yet somehow others understand and enjoy the beauty of the earth, the significance of relationships, and the joy of love more than we do?
I'm not really trying to give a comparison act here...In fact, I shouldn't try and categorize this at all...let me explain.
I'm reading this book right now. It discusses the modern era, the postmodern era, and how we, as Christians, throughout this transition between the modern era and the postmodern era might merge out as perhaps a new kind of Christian. (In fact, that's the title of the book, A New Kind of Christian).
There's a point where, when talking about what this new kind of Christian might look like, that reads...
I believe Jesus meant it when he said the Spirit of God would be with us, guiding us, to the very end. So I believe that he will guide us through these winds and currents of change, no matter what storms come. In fact, I believe that he is the wind in our sails, leading us into change, because that's his way. He always moves ahead. He's not about taking us back into the past, some beautiful illusion of good old days. He has a purpose he is working toward, and I want to keep up with him. I suppose that's my greatest fear, not that I'll go too fast or too far, but that I'll lag behind.
So I wonder. Am I keeping up with God? Is it possible that in the modern era, an era devoted to systems, numbers, control that we're lagging?
That we're too stuck on numbers... (How many were saved tonight? Did you have prayer time for 30 minutes this morning?)
That we're too stuck on systems... (If you do this and don't do that then it's all good. A relationship with God looks like this: read your Bible, go to church, and sing a lot of worship songs. Oh, and don't forget about Bible studies).
That we're still stuck on the idea of conquering and controlling...(Are you a Christian? Do you belong to my elite group?).
I'm not saying these are wrong things or bad things. I'm just saying, I think there's more, and I think that even though I might be on the path, that I'm still not quite getting it. On my walk this morning I knew the system. I knew left foot, right foot. And yes, I was on the path, but I still was lagging. I know the system. I'm on the path. But is God calling me to something more?
So how, in the era in which we find ourselves immersed, do we keep up with God? He's putting the world back together and making all things new isn't He? For me, I know I'm lagging when it comes to recycling. I'm also much quicker to criticize and judge than to edify and encourage so as to conquer and control situations (or at least attempt to control them). And I tend to put a system, a box, around my Jesus, which limits how incredibly wonderful and beautiful He is.
There was a point where the men I saw on my walk this morning veered left and I veered right. I continued to think about all the implications these men and their stride had on my life. I saw them later en route. One of them was now on his cell phone. Again, couldn't help but think of them as the disciples, on a mission, to share what they had seen and heard...
I want that. I want to carry God with me. I want to share what He's working to do --- restore the world; creating a world that is of love, and joy, equality, community, a stable environment, patience, peace throughout, no endangered species...I want to join in on that. And I want to work towards that. And I want others to join in on that as well.
I'm better for having those men cross my path today. I hope that my life is the same for those whom I encounter!
Cheering you on as we catch up to a God who is always moving.
May we have not fear for change, but may we embrace the art of making all things new.
Kaylee
But I'll Fly, Buttafly.
Hi.
A few weeks ago I wrote and talked about how I felt like I was in a closet..not a valley, not a desert, but a closet...
No, haven't found the light switch yet (and have yet to confirm if there is even one included in my closet's floor plan). And no, I haven't figured out what exactly it is that I seem to be holding, fondling...hating.
Yep. still in my closet.
But a few conversations later and a couple of emails back and forth, and I seem to have learned a few things.
I've found out I'm not alone. Other people are in closets too...which of course, this helps to know.
I've also been reminded that "wherever you go, there you are." I'm here. I think for a while I fought the idea of going into my closet, of wrestling with thoughts, of letting go of the preconceived plans I had for my life. So I was in my closet, but not fully present in my closet. I was gasping for air as if I had been holding my breathe for 5 minutes...which, maybe I was. I've been afraid to breathe. Afraid to wrestle, afraid that if I did wrestle, this faith that I've built would be nothing. Afraid that if didn't have all the answers, or know that the answers were on their way, or know that the answers would be answered in this lifetime, then I'd lose it all. I'd die. I was afraid. And so I stopped breathing - in a metaphorical and spiritual sense of course, not literal :) The air around me kept getting tighter and thicker and my breaths kept getting shorter and shorter; which to me is a very humorous thought, like someone who thinks they're drowning only to realize that they can just stand up and the water is only knee-cap deep. I picture myself like that, gasping for air, arms around my neck, only to realize that all the oxygen I need is right at my dispense :)
But like I said, I've learned a few things. It's okay to be in my closet. Wherever you go, there you are, right? Here, my closet, is where I am...and that's where, in order to be fully present, I have to be.
So I'm finally sitting in my closet, and for a few days, that's all I could say for myself...sitting and breathing...breathing and sitting...you know, that sort of thing. But I finally felt relief. I felt (and still do) safe and secure. As if I'm in a new sanctuary, one I've never known before, but interesting...a bit peculiar, a little cramped for space, but nevertheless, my own little place where I can meet with God.
But I'm not done...remember, I said I've learned a few things...what's a few anyways? 3 or more, isn't it? Okay, so that leaves me with plenty of points to make, ha ha.
Honestly though, I got to thinking...I remember last year I had this girl ask if she could pray with me, or over me, or whatever you call it when someone fully heartily wants to offer all your pain and confusion to the Father and you stand there half-heartily involved, as you ponder if prayer is even really effective. She said something along the lines of and Father, we know, that it is only out of darkness that a butterfly emerges...Oh buddy, butterfly? Really? Really God?
You see, God and I have this thing, this thing with butterflies, (flowers too, but we'll save that for another day) Anyway, butterflies tend to be God's way of telling me He loves me; which in extremely difficult times, times of confusion and pain, only makes me extremely angry at the sight of a butterfly. (In fact, to be honest, my parent's have a butterfly as their screen savor. The other day I got so frustrated and anxious with life that I just had to change the screen savor...funny, because after that, I only saw more and more butterflies, ha ha).
But I'm starting to learn that butterflies are not just His way of saying I love you...I'm starting to learn that they represent the fact that life is a process. I'm realizing that He tends to show me butterflies when I'm experiencing a lot of growth, enlightenment, adventure...It's kind of like His way of saying, are you ready for this? bit scared? don't worry, I'm here, don't be anxious, Kaylee, breathe.
so butterflies, eh? Really?....Yeah, butterflies. Butterflies it is...Everywhere recently. It's almost as if I have to be careful not to step on them....
And I'm reminded of the girl's prayer. This closet? It may just be my chrysalis; a time of great growth and change; even if I can't necessarily feel or see it happening.
In the past week or so I've also thought of the Chronicles of Narnia...I think CS Lewis knew this closet, this chrysalis. The children had to leave the world as they knew it, venture through a dark time, a place of cluttered coats and darkness, so as to breach through to another world, another kingdom, that of Narnia. We too, at times, will leave the world as we know it, venture through darkness, perhaps moments of clutter and confusion, so as to reach another kingdom, that of our Father.
So maybe, just maybe, this closet, this chrysalis isn't so bad after all.
Cheering you on as you journey through life.
May you rest in the ever-present season of life that you find yourself in. And may you fear not where you are, for wherever you are, there you are, and He with you.
Kaylee
Breathe in Me
(by Kaylee)
Breathe in me, even when I can't speak any words today.
Breathe in me, even when I can't see past yesterday.
Feels like I'm all alone...
Dark, Lonely, I feel like I've been pushed aside in here.
Searching, I suppose but not really searching at all, I fear.
Feels like I'm in my own little chrysalis...
Butterfly, Butterfly is what I'm going to be
Butterfly, Butterfly so beautiful and free
With the wind against my face
As I flutter through His grace
This world may bring pain,
But I'll fly.
Little Butterfly.
A few weeks ago I wrote and talked about how I felt like I was in a closet..not a valley, not a desert, but a closet...
No, haven't found the light switch yet (and have yet to confirm if there is even one included in my closet's floor plan). And no, I haven't figured out what exactly it is that I seem to be holding, fondling...hating.
Yep. still in my closet.
But a few conversations later and a couple of emails back and forth, and I seem to have learned a few things.
I've found out I'm not alone. Other people are in closets too...which of course, this helps to know.
I've also been reminded that "wherever you go, there you are." I'm here. I think for a while I fought the idea of going into my closet, of wrestling with thoughts, of letting go of the preconceived plans I had for my life. So I was in my closet, but not fully present in my closet. I was gasping for air as if I had been holding my breathe for 5 minutes...which, maybe I was. I've been afraid to breathe. Afraid to wrestle, afraid that if I did wrestle, this faith that I've built would be nothing. Afraid that if didn't have all the answers, or know that the answers were on their way, or know that the answers would be answered in this lifetime, then I'd lose it all. I'd die. I was afraid. And so I stopped breathing - in a metaphorical and spiritual sense of course, not literal :) The air around me kept getting tighter and thicker and my breaths kept getting shorter and shorter; which to me is a very humorous thought, like someone who thinks they're drowning only to realize that they can just stand up and the water is only knee-cap deep. I picture myself like that, gasping for air, arms around my neck, only to realize that all the oxygen I need is right at my dispense :)
But like I said, I've learned a few things. It's okay to be in my closet. Wherever you go, there you are, right? Here, my closet, is where I am...and that's where, in order to be fully present, I have to be.
So I'm finally sitting in my closet, and for a few days, that's all I could say for myself...sitting and breathing...breathing and sitting...you know, that sort of thing. But I finally felt relief. I felt (and still do) safe and secure. As if I'm in a new sanctuary, one I've never known before, but interesting...a bit peculiar, a little cramped for space, but nevertheless, my own little place where I can meet with God.
But I'm not done...remember, I said I've learned a few things...what's a few anyways? 3 or more, isn't it? Okay, so that leaves me with plenty of points to make, ha ha.
Honestly though, I got to thinking...I remember last year I had this girl ask if she could pray with me, or over me, or whatever you call it when someone fully heartily wants to offer all your pain and confusion to the Father and you stand there half-heartily involved, as you ponder if prayer is even really effective. She said something along the lines of and Father, we know, that it is only out of darkness that a butterfly emerges...Oh buddy, butterfly? Really? Really God?
You see, God and I have this thing, this thing with butterflies, (flowers too, but we'll save that for another day) Anyway, butterflies tend to be God's way of telling me He loves me; which in extremely difficult times, times of confusion and pain, only makes me extremely angry at the sight of a butterfly. (In fact, to be honest, my parent's have a butterfly as their screen savor. The other day I got so frustrated and anxious with life that I just had to change the screen savor...funny, because after that, I only saw more and more butterflies, ha ha).
But I'm starting to learn that butterflies are not just His way of saying I love you...I'm starting to learn that they represent the fact that life is a process. I'm realizing that He tends to show me butterflies when I'm experiencing a lot of growth, enlightenment, adventure...It's kind of like His way of saying, are you ready for this? bit scared? don't worry, I'm here, don't be anxious, Kaylee, breathe.
so butterflies, eh? Really?....Yeah, butterflies. Butterflies it is...Everywhere recently. It's almost as if I have to be careful not to step on them....
And I'm reminded of the girl's prayer. This closet? It may just be my chrysalis; a time of great growth and change; even if I can't necessarily feel or see it happening.
In the past week or so I've also thought of the Chronicles of Narnia...I think CS Lewis knew this closet, this chrysalis. The children had to leave the world as they knew it, venture through a dark time, a place of cluttered coats and darkness, so as to breach through to another world, another kingdom, that of Narnia. We too, at times, will leave the world as we know it, venture through darkness, perhaps moments of clutter and confusion, so as to reach another kingdom, that of our Father.
So maybe, just maybe, this closet, this chrysalis isn't so bad after all.
Cheering you on as you journey through life.
May you rest in the ever-present season of life that you find yourself in. And may you fear not where you are, for wherever you are, there you are, and He with you.
Kaylee
Breathe in Me
(by Kaylee)
Breathe in me, even when I can't speak any words today.
Breathe in me, even when I can't see past yesterday.
Feels like I'm all alone...
Dark, Lonely, I feel like I've been pushed aside in here.
Searching, I suppose but not really searching at all, I fear.
Feels like I'm in my own little chrysalis...
Butterfly, Butterfly is what I'm going to be
Butterfly, Butterfly so beautiful and free
With the wind against my face
As I flutter through His grace
This world may bring pain,
But I'll fly.
Little Butterfly.
Breath in a closet.
Hi all.
dark? yes. scary? not quite like Halloween. confusing? most certainly. frustrating? more than a jigsaw puzzle that's for sure (and if you know me well enough, you'll know I'm horrible at jigsaw puzzles; any puzzle or brain teaser for that matter.). Some call it a valley. Some call it the desert. But in the past month, I've grown to claim it as my "closet."
Personally, I think I'd rather be in a valley or a desert. Either of them seems more appealing to me at this point. But I have to honest; it doesn't feel like a valley...In a valley you look up and wonder how to get up and out of it. And it doesn't feel like a desert...In a desert you long, you long for your thirst to be quenched. You long for luscious forestry and brooks overflowing with cool refreshing water.
I don't seem to be looking up (wish I was) and I don't seem to be longing for more (I'm sure I need to be, but such doesn't seem to be the case right now)...
It feels much more like a closet. Yes, a closet. This past year I feel like I've been tossed into a closet. It's a dark closet. Nothing to sit on. It's hot in here. It's humid. The air is pretty thick actually. A closet. Musty smelling. You know the kind. I seem to have some sort of object in my hand. Not sure at all what it is.
Dark. Lonely. Empty. Thick. Hard to breathe. Unable to sit and rest. And an object.
The problem is...I don't want to be in the closet. I don't want to wait in the dark anymore. I don't want to wrestle with the object anymore. And I most certainly don't want to try and rest in this uncomfortable place. I think there's a party going on outside my closet and I want to be a part of it. I want to be out of my closet.
I've looked for a light switch, and I can't find it. I've tried to figure out if this object in my hand is actually something worthwhile, something more than an occupier of space in my already limited space-of-a-closet.
I bet you're all thinking that I'll tell you how I got out of the closet. I bet you think I'll tell you where the light switch is. I bet you think I'm going to tell you that I've figured it all out. Or at least I'll tell you that I figured out that the object is a blow-up beach ball, ha ha.
But I can't. I don't know why I'm in the closet. Why would anyone hang out in a dark and lonely closet? Great question, you ask. Maybe I need to learn how to rest. Maybe I need to learn that the party is not about me and that it will go on, with or without me. Maybe I need time to fondle whatever it is in my hand - my faith? something I've placed before God? Maybe God had to place me in a closet to get my attention. Or maybe, maybe I just need to get away from the world, as I knew it, for a while.
A coworker of mine down in North Carolina invited me to go to the Body Worlds Exposition. Funny thing is, she kept asking me how I felt about going to it. She, being a bit iffy on the whole thing, was amazed at my overwhelming excitement for the event. It wasn't until we were standing right in front of the exposition that I read: the anatomical exposition of real human bodies.
Real? These bodies are real? Yuck! Ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick - oops, guess I hadn't caught that part! :)
As we uh, what's the proper word to use here, as we browsed through the bodies? (please note my cringed face) We got to a case where a brain just sat there. I had this absolute pure moment of awe. It was just a pile of mush. Could have been pile of play dough for all that it appeared to be just lying there on the case. And it hit me. The Spirit of Life is undeniable. Without it a brain is a pile of mush. With it, this pile of mush, thinks, feels, reasons, spawns so much, so so much. It makes life.
So I'm in a closet. And I don't know much at the moment other than that. I know a lot of stuff in my head. But right now, all my heart knows is that I'm in a closet. It's dark. It's confusing. It's most definitely frustrating. At some point...maybe the light switch will turn on (there has to be one somewhere in here, I'm sure of it.)...and maybe I'll start to make out this object in my hand a bit more. But until then, I'll just keep on breathing. For as long as I shall live (which is forever) I know that the Spirit of the Lord is within me. And it's beautiful. It sustains me; even in a musty, dark, ole closet.
Cheering you on as you breathe in and breathe out.
May the Spirit of the Lord, the giver of Life, fill your all in all, wherever you find yourself today.
Kaylee
dark? yes. scary? not quite like Halloween. confusing? most certainly. frustrating? more than a jigsaw puzzle that's for sure (and if you know me well enough, you'll know I'm horrible at jigsaw puzzles; any puzzle or brain teaser for that matter.). Some call it a valley. Some call it the desert. But in the past month, I've grown to claim it as my "closet."
Personally, I think I'd rather be in a valley or a desert. Either of them seems more appealing to me at this point. But I have to honest; it doesn't feel like a valley...In a valley you look up and wonder how to get up and out of it. And it doesn't feel like a desert...In a desert you long, you long for your thirst to be quenched. You long for luscious forestry and brooks overflowing with cool refreshing water.
I don't seem to be looking up (wish I was) and I don't seem to be longing for more (I'm sure I need to be, but such doesn't seem to be the case right now)...
It feels much more like a closet. Yes, a closet. This past year I feel like I've been tossed into a closet. It's a dark closet. Nothing to sit on. It's hot in here. It's humid. The air is pretty thick actually. A closet. Musty smelling. You know the kind. I seem to have some sort of object in my hand. Not sure at all what it is.
Dark. Lonely. Empty. Thick. Hard to breathe. Unable to sit and rest. And an object.
The problem is...I don't want to be in the closet. I don't want to wait in the dark anymore. I don't want to wrestle with the object anymore. And I most certainly don't want to try and rest in this uncomfortable place. I think there's a party going on outside my closet and I want to be a part of it. I want to be out of my closet.
I've looked for a light switch, and I can't find it. I've tried to figure out if this object in my hand is actually something worthwhile, something more than an occupier of space in my already limited space-of-a-closet.
I bet you're all thinking that I'll tell you how I got out of the closet. I bet you think I'll tell you where the light switch is. I bet you think I'm going to tell you that I've figured it all out. Or at least I'll tell you that I figured out that the object is a blow-up beach ball, ha ha.
But I can't. I don't know why I'm in the closet. Why would anyone hang out in a dark and lonely closet? Great question, you ask. Maybe I need to learn how to rest. Maybe I need to learn that the party is not about me and that it will go on, with or without me. Maybe I need time to fondle whatever it is in my hand - my faith? something I've placed before God? Maybe God had to place me in a closet to get my attention. Or maybe, maybe I just need to get away from the world, as I knew it, for a while.
A coworker of mine down in North Carolina invited me to go to the Body Worlds Exposition. Funny thing is, she kept asking me how I felt about going to it. She, being a bit iffy on the whole thing, was amazed at my overwhelming excitement for the event. It wasn't until we were standing right in front of the exposition that I read: the anatomical exposition of real human bodies.
Real? These bodies are real? Yuck! Ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick - oops, guess I hadn't caught that part! :)
As we uh, what's the proper word to use here, as we browsed through the bodies? (please note my cringed face) We got to a case where a brain just sat there. I had this absolute pure moment of awe. It was just a pile of mush. Could have been pile of play dough for all that it appeared to be just lying there on the case. And it hit me. The Spirit of Life is undeniable. Without it a brain is a pile of mush. With it, this pile of mush, thinks, feels, reasons, spawns so much, so so much. It makes life.
So I'm in a closet. And I don't know much at the moment other than that. I know a lot of stuff in my head. But right now, all my heart knows is that I'm in a closet. It's dark. It's confusing. It's most definitely frustrating. At some point...maybe the light switch will turn on (there has to be one somewhere in here, I'm sure of it.)...and maybe I'll start to make out this object in my hand a bit more. But until then, I'll just keep on breathing. For as long as I shall live (which is forever) I know that the Spirit of the Lord is within me. And it's beautiful. It sustains me; even in a musty, dark, ole closet.
Cheering you on as you breathe in and breathe out.
May the Spirit of the Lord, the giver of Life, fill your all in all, wherever you find yourself today.
Kaylee
Follow the Yellow, or Maybe the Purple Brick Road
Hi there.
It's been a while, I know. All I got in regards to that is: sorry.
So here we go. I offered to run an errand this afternoon for a coworker of mine. The place I had to go was a bit-of-a-ways away. I hopped onto the highway, took an exit onto a main road and then happened to sort of hmm, I don't know, miss the road I was supposed to take (for those who know me, this isn't an all to uncommon thing in my life). However, I was only a bit off track and found myself at my designated location in no time at all. But while driving there I thought, I wonder if I could just take Monroe all the way back? Won't it get me back to the Chapter too?
As I began my route back I wavered back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to see if Monroe Street led where I thought it would lead. I even put my blinker on so as to turn off and start going back from where I came from. But the oh-so-adventurous part of Kaylee wanted to see if I could do it...To see if I was right.
I'm not going to lie, upon making the decision to try the "unexplored route" I got incredibly nervous and anxiety filled my stomach. I think I went in and out of hot flashes as my stomach remained a bit turned up-side down as I continued to drive on Monroe Street. I had just a few anxious thoughts screaming in my ear, What if you get lost? What if you're going in the opposite direction? What if you don't make it back to the Chapter for a really long time?
Perhaps it was the stubbornness in me, but I kept on going - the feelings of anxiety going right alongside with me. But as I rounded a corner I got a huge view of the city which informed me that I was right on track.
As my stomach flipped right-side up I couldn't help but think of the pattern in my life right now and really, my life for the past few years. Worry. Adventure. Amazing. Worry. Adventure. Amazing. I tend to worry over and over again that I'm going to make the wrong decision and that upon that one decision I'll mess it all up and end up outside of where God wants me. But at the same time, I have this huge fear of just going down that "same ole road."
Now, it is to note that "the same old road" isn't essentially "wrong." In fact, I had a friend who recently told me that life isn't necessarily right or wrong, rather the choice lies with what will bring the most life. So it's just that life offers a lot of options and we don't have to let fear keep us on that "same old road" when our hearts are calling us to so much more.
Some of you today, are sitting on that "same old road" wondering if maybe there's an adventure to be had. Another road to take. If so, I encourage you to go for it. Live. Live recklessly abandoned to God and the great things He has in store for you. Be wise. But be. Be the adventure your heart is calling you to embrace.
For those of you who, perhaps, have found yourself winding down the path of adventure, but are filled with anxiety and worry, keep on going. Let the worry go. As I drove down the road today, the city continued to go in and out of sight. You will not always see how you're working for His Kingdom and you may not always have the desired affirmation that what you're doing is "His will." But trust that life has infinite options, infinite roads to take. Take one, then maybe take another. Glimpses of His Kingdom will come in and out of sight. Look forward to those glorious moments when you do see it, and in the moments of anxiety, remember to rest.
My friend told me recently that God doesn't always tell us where to go until after we're there...Then he told me to, "just have fun!" (I think he was trying to tell me something, ha ha).
Cheering you on as you turn off the "same old road" and find all that was meant to be lived.
May you have the courage, strength, and faith to explore.
Kaylee
It's been a while, I know. All I got in regards to that is: sorry.
So here we go. I offered to run an errand this afternoon for a coworker of mine. The place I had to go was a bit-of-a-ways away. I hopped onto the highway, took an exit onto a main road and then happened to sort of hmm, I don't know, miss the road I was supposed to take (for those who know me, this isn't an all to uncommon thing in my life). However, I was only a bit off track and found myself at my designated location in no time at all. But while driving there I thought, I wonder if I could just take Monroe all the way back? Won't it get me back to the Chapter too?
As I began my route back I wavered back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to see if Monroe Street led where I thought it would lead. I even put my blinker on so as to turn off and start going back from where I came from. But the oh-so-adventurous part of Kaylee wanted to see if I could do it...To see if I was right.
I'm not going to lie, upon making the decision to try the "unexplored route" I got incredibly nervous and anxiety filled my stomach. I think I went in and out of hot flashes as my stomach remained a bit turned up-side down as I continued to drive on Monroe Street. I had just a few anxious thoughts screaming in my ear, What if you get lost? What if you're going in the opposite direction? What if you don't make it back to the Chapter for a really long time?
Perhaps it was the stubbornness in me, but I kept on going - the feelings of anxiety going right alongside with me. But as I rounded a corner I got a huge view of the city which informed me that I was right on track.
As my stomach flipped right-side up I couldn't help but think of the pattern in my life right now and really, my life for the past few years. Worry. Adventure. Amazing. Worry. Adventure. Amazing. I tend to worry over and over again that I'm going to make the wrong decision and that upon that one decision I'll mess it all up and end up outside of where God wants me. But at the same time, I have this huge fear of just going down that "same ole road."
Now, it is to note that "the same old road" isn't essentially "wrong." In fact, I had a friend who recently told me that life isn't necessarily right or wrong, rather the choice lies with what will bring the most life. So it's just that life offers a lot of options and we don't have to let fear keep us on that "same old road" when our hearts are calling us to so much more.
Some of you today, are sitting on that "same old road" wondering if maybe there's an adventure to be had. Another road to take. If so, I encourage you to go for it. Live. Live recklessly abandoned to God and the great things He has in store for you. Be wise. But be. Be the adventure your heart is calling you to embrace.
For those of you who, perhaps, have found yourself winding down the path of adventure, but are filled with anxiety and worry, keep on going. Let the worry go. As I drove down the road today, the city continued to go in and out of sight. You will not always see how you're working for His Kingdom and you may not always have the desired affirmation that what you're doing is "His will." But trust that life has infinite options, infinite roads to take. Take one, then maybe take another. Glimpses of His Kingdom will come in and out of sight. Look forward to those glorious moments when you do see it, and in the moments of anxiety, remember to rest.
My friend told me recently that God doesn't always tell us where to go until after we're there...Then he told me to, "just have fun!" (I think he was trying to tell me something, ha ha).
Cheering you on as you turn off the "same old road" and find all that was meant to be lived.
May you have the courage, strength, and faith to explore.
Kaylee
99 Found, Looking for the Lost One.
Hi all.
If you've been watching the news at all the past week you're probably well aware of the little boy scout who was lost in the Carolina mountains...
Lost. I've been there.
Lost. I've been lost in a lot of different ways. There isn't just one kind of lost - well, at least not how I see it. I've been geographically lost (Just ask my dad about this one. He's become a pro at interstate-mapquesting, ha). I've been mentally lost (I find myself in this kind of lost a little all too often, ha ha). Sometimes I'm lost in day-dreams (love this kind of lost). Sometimes I'm lost in myself (oops!). I can get lost in others (no comment on this), and I can get lost in the beauty of things (deep relaxation in this kind of lost).
At times, I'm lost for only a moment but at other times, I'm lost for a season...there have been times where I have wandered away from God. These are the prideful times where I think on my own I can make my life better. I'm lost in pride. Lost in foolishness. Lost in ignorance, and lost in guilt. It takes the loving hand of my gracious Savior, His oh-so-loving voice beckoning me back, to draw me away from my distorted path and gently place me on a path that is straight.
Then there are times when I wake up from a hard fall...and I'm lost. The fall can be relationally, spiritually, physically...however it is I may fall... the point is I'm fallen. It tends to take me a while to realize I've fallen. I tend to get angry that I wasn't kept from falling, confused as to why the tumble and trip was allowed. Eventually, I'll come to realize that I feel a bit lost. I wish I could say I'm like a Daniel Boone or a Lewis and Clark who would most likely consider it a great adventure to be lost somewhere and have to find your way out...I wish that was me...but it's not. My typical reaction is a weary spirit that's usually near close to giving up on being found. Rather pathetic attitude, I must admit.
If you stayed up to date on the story of the lost little boy. He was found.
When my mom told me this I just about burst into tears of joy. I remained just as excited about it all as I continued to watch news reports on it. I can't help put think of our Heavenly Father. I know...I've heard it over and over again how He seeks the lost and loves us and...and...But to realize how excited I was over this lost boy being found, only brought into light how much more our Father rejoices when we are found.
I think it's fair to say that each of our hearts went out to this lost boy. You may not have ever been lost just as he, but you've been lost. You know how it feels to some extent. And it was almost too much to bear to think about all that he was going through...So too, God must mourn with us and for us while we're lost.
Are you lost? Maybe not "off the path" lost but I mean lost. Are you lost? Whatever lost may mean in your life today. Are you lost? Lost as to where to go next in life? Are you at a loss as to how to fix your relationship? Lost on what you truly think of this God of ours? Lost in your emotions? or simply lost...are you lost?
Good news. You will be found. A season of being lost, and at a loss, certainly does not label you as a failure, a fallen Christian. We come from the nation Israel, which means, one who struggles with God. Yes, we struggle with being lost. We don't particularly like (which is understandable) all the different emotions that being lost invokes; feelings of fear, loneliness, anger, assault...But we will always be found. He will always make straight our paths. He will lead us home.
They interviewed a boy scout on one of the news reports. He said the three things you learn as a boy scout are one, stick with someone. Two, stay on the path...and three...three? I don't remember (it was probably something like don't eat girl scout cookies, ha ha...just kidding. I don't remember three) But I find point one and two to be very interesting...
If you're lost today...cling on to community, and to the life and direction it brings, stay on the path as best as you can, and remember, you will be found. And oh how incredibly great our Father rejoices when we are found. Tears to His eyes, warmth to His heart, and some sweet-sweet honey to His soul.
Cheering you on in whatever season of lost you may be in today.
May you trust that you will be found.
Kaylee
If you've been watching the news at all the past week you're probably well aware of the little boy scout who was lost in the Carolina mountains...
Lost. I've been there.
Lost. I've been lost in a lot of different ways. There isn't just one kind of lost - well, at least not how I see it. I've been geographically lost (Just ask my dad about this one. He's become a pro at interstate-mapquesting, ha). I've been mentally lost (I find myself in this kind of lost a little all too often, ha ha). Sometimes I'm lost in day-dreams (love this kind of lost). Sometimes I'm lost in myself (oops!). I can get lost in others (no comment on this), and I can get lost in the beauty of things (deep relaxation in this kind of lost).
At times, I'm lost for only a moment but at other times, I'm lost for a season...there have been times where I have wandered away from God. These are the prideful times where I think on my own I can make my life better. I'm lost in pride. Lost in foolishness. Lost in ignorance, and lost in guilt. It takes the loving hand of my gracious Savior, His oh-so-loving voice beckoning me back, to draw me away from my distorted path and gently place me on a path that is straight.
Then there are times when I wake up from a hard fall...and I'm lost. The fall can be relationally, spiritually, physically...however it is I may fall... the point is I'm fallen. It tends to take me a while to realize I've fallen. I tend to get angry that I wasn't kept from falling, confused as to why the tumble and trip was allowed. Eventually, I'll come to realize that I feel a bit lost. I wish I could say I'm like a Daniel Boone or a Lewis and Clark who would most likely consider it a great adventure to be lost somewhere and have to find your way out...I wish that was me...but it's not. My typical reaction is a weary spirit that's usually near close to giving up on being found. Rather pathetic attitude, I must admit.
If you stayed up to date on the story of the lost little boy. He was found.
When my mom told me this I just about burst into tears of joy. I remained just as excited about it all as I continued to watch news reports on it. I can't help put think of our Heavenly Father. I know...I've heard it over and over again how He seeks the lost and loves us and...and...But to realize how excited I was over this lost boy being found, only brought into light how much more our Father rejoices when we are found.
I think it's fair to say that each of our hearts went out to this lost boy. You may not have ever been lost just as he, but you've been lost. You know how it feels to some extent. And it was almost too much to bear to think about all that he was going through...So too, God must mourn with us and for us while we're lost.
Are you lost? Maybe not "off the path" lost but I mean lost. Are you lost? Whatever lost may mean in your life today. Are you lost? Lost as to where to go next in life? Are you at a loss as to how to fix your relationship? Lost on what you truly think of this God of ours? Lost in your emotions? or simply lost...are you lost?
Good news. You will be found. A season of being lost, and at a loss, certainly does not label you as a failure, a fallen Christian. We come from the nation Israel, which means, one who struggles with God. Yes, we struggle with being lost. We don't particularly like (which is understandable) all the different emotions that being lost invokes; feelings of fear, loneliness, anger, assault...But we will always be found. He will always make straight our paths. He will lead us home.
They interviewed a boy scout on one of the news reports. He said the three things you learn as a boy scout are one, stick with someone. Two, stay on the path...and three...three? I don't remember (it was probably something like don't eat girl scout cookies, ha ha...just kidding. I don't remember three) But I find point one and two to be very interesting...
If you're lost today...cling on to community, and to the life and direction it brings, stay on the path as best as you can, and remember, you will be found. And oh how incredibly great our Father rejoices when we are found. Tears to His eyes, warmth to His heart, and some sweet-sweet honey to His soul.
Cheering you on in whatever season of lost you may be in today.
May you trust that you will be found.
Kaylee
Alphabet Soup.
Good Afternoon Y'all!
I sat down to write an email this morning. I began typing about a half a sentence worth of words and looked up only to see an utter disaster on the screen. Somehow, as I had begun to type, my hands had shifted a bit and instead of typing up a work of comprehensible material, I instead produced a mess, an incomprehensible cluster of letters, truly, a bowl of alphabet soup displayed itself on my screen. My fingers could have been flowing in sure literary genius, but without my fingers placed correctly on the keyboard, a disaster is all that I could produce. I'll admit I had to have a little chuckle at my expense...
Most of you can relate to this situation. However, some of you are still using the two-finger typing method and have yet to graduate to the two-handed, all finger encompassing efficiency and skill of typing, ha. Either way, most of you can relate to the struggling attempt of typing in perfection (I think it's fair to say that most of us are all too familiar with the "backspace" button on our keyboard, ha ha).
I can't help but think that the placement of my hands on the keyboard is like the placement of Christ in my life. Just a little off kilt and my desire to create a sure flowing grammatical and comprehensible masterpiece erupted into a disastrous mess of an email. So too, with Christ, placing Him just a little out of the center, changes everything.
You see, I can run this race as hard as I can. I can give as much as I can. I can volunteer here, give my money there. I can attend this worship service, and listen to that sermon. I can offer all that I am. I can speak His Word with every breath I take, but if when I raise my arms in worship, and when my eyes find rest, if they are not raised to my Savior and falling on His glorious beauty then I have nothing. My heart and devotion, desire and passion, need to fall on, focus in on Him, on bringing glory to Him. All too often, it's altogether too easy to attempt to bring glory to myself rather than to Him, and what I produce is a self-centered, chaotic, and horrific mess...
So where do our hearts fall today? Where do our motives lie? On Him? or on ourselves? Do we seek to line our hearts up with His or try desperately to fit Him into our preconceived expectations of life? Are we running with all that we have, trying to save ourselves by all-too-frequent "pats on the backs"? or are we living a life of a cheerful giver, living life out of gratitude and love for our amazing Father?
Where do our hearts fall today?...
Cheering you on as you seek to continuously align and re-align your hearts up with the path that is straight, full of life and truth.
May you find rest knowing that it is He who can make our paths straight and better yet "turn our mess into His message."
Kaylee
I sat down to write an email this morning. I began typing about a half a sentence worth of words and looked up only to see an utter disaster on the screen. Somehow, as I had begun to type, my hands had shifted a bit and instead of typing up a work of comprehensible material, I instead produced a mess, an incomprehensible cluster of letters, truly, a bowl of alphabet soup displayed itself on my screen. My fingers could have been flowing in sure literary genius, but without my fingers placed correctly on the keyboard, a disaster is all that I could produce. I'll admit I had to have a little chuckle at my expense...
Most of you can relate to this situation. However, some of you are still using the two-finger typing method and have yet to graduate to the two-handed, all finger encompassing efficiency and skill of typing, ha. Either way, most of you can relate to the struggling attempt of typing in perfection (I think it's fair to say that most of us are all too familiar with the "backspace" button on our keyboard, ha ha).
I can't help but think that the placement of my hands on the keyboard is like the placement of Christ in my life. Just a little off kilt and my desire to create a sure flowing grammatical and comprehensible masterpiece erupted into a disastrous mess of an email. So too, with Christ, placing Him just a little out of the center, changes everything.
You see, I can run this race as hard as I can. I can give as much as I can. I can volunteer here, give my money there. I can attend this worship service, and listen to that sermon. I can offer all that I am. I can speak His Word with every breath I take, but if when I raise my arms in worship, and when my eyes find rest, if they are not raised to my Savior and falling on His glorious beauty then I have nothing. My heart and devotion, desire and passion, need to fall on, focus in on Him, on bringing glory to Him. All too often, it's altogether too easy to attempt to bring glory to myself rather than to Him, and what I produce is a self-centered, chaotic, and horrific mess...
So where do our hearts fall today? Where do our motives lie? On Him? or on ourselves? Do we seek to line our hearts up with His or try desperately to fit Him into our preconceived expectations of life? Are we running with all that we have, trying to save ourselves by all-too-frequent "pats on the backs"? or are we living a life of a cheerful giver, living life out of gratitude and love for our amazing Father?
Where do our hearts fall today?...
Cheering you on as you seek to continuously align and re-align your hearts up with the path that is straight, full of life and truth.
May you find rest knowing that it is He who can make our paths straight and better yet "turn our mess into His message."
Kaylee
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