But I'll Fly, Buttafly.

Hi.

A few weeks ago I wrote and talked about how I felt like I was in a closet..not a valley, not a desert, but a closet...

No, haven't found the light switch yet (and have yet to confirm if there is even one included in my closet's floor plan). And no, I haven't figured out what exactly it is that I seem to be holding, fondling...hating.

Yep. still in my closet.

But a few conversations later and a couple of emails back and forth, and I seem to have learned a few things.

I've found out I'm not alone. Other people are in closets too...which of course, this helps to know.

I've also been reminded that "wherever you go, there you are." I'm here. I think for a while I fought the idea of going into my closet, of wrestling with thoughts, of letting go of the preconceived plans I had for my life. So I was in my closet, but not fully present in my closet. I was gasping for air as if I had been holding my breathe for 5 minutes...which, maybe I was. I've been afraid to breathe. Afraid to wrestle, afraid that if I did wrestle, this faith that I've built would be nothing. Afraid that if didn't have all the answers, or know that the answers were on their way, or know that the answers would be answered in this lifetime, then I'd lose it all. I'd die. I was afraid. And so I stopped breathing - in a metaphorical and spiritual sense of course, not literal :) The air around me kept getting tighter and thicker and my breaths kept getting shorter and shorter; which to me is a very humorous thought, like someone who thinks they're drowning only to realize that they can just stand up and the water is only knee-cap deep. I picture myself like that, gasping for air, arms around my neck, only to realize that all the oxygen I need is right at my dispense :)

But like I said, I've learned a few things. It's okay to be in my closet. Wherever you go, there you are, right? Here, my closet, is where I am...and that's where, in order to be fully present, I have to be.

So I'm finally sitting in my closet, and for a few days, that's all I could say for myself...sitting and breathing...breathing and sitting...you know, that sort of thing. But I finally felt relief. I felt (and still do) safe and secure. As if I'm in a new sanctuary, one I've never known before, but interesting...a bit peculiar, a little cramped for space, but nevertheless, my own little place where I can meet with God.

But I'm not done...remember, I said I've learned a few things...what's a few anyways? 3 or more, isn't it? Okay, so that leaves me with plenty of points to make, ha ha.

Honestly though, I got to thinking...I remember last year I had this girl ask if she could pray with me, or over me, or whatever you call it when someone fully heartily wants to offer all your pain and confusion to the Father and you stand there half-heartily involved, as you ponder if prayer is even really effective. She said something along the lines of and Father, we know, that it is only out of darkness that a butterfly emerges...Oh buddy, butterfly? Really? Really God?

You see, God and I have this thing, this thing with butterflies, (flowers too, but we'll save that for another day) Anyway, butterflies tend to be God's way of telling me He loves me; which in extremely difficult times, times of confusion and pain, only makes me extremely angry at the sight of a butterfly. (In fact, to be honest, my parent's have a butterfly as their screen savor. The other day I got so frustrated and anxious with life that I just had to change the screen savor...funny, because after that, I only saw more and more butterflies, ha ha).

But I'm starting to learn that butterflies are not just His way of saying I love you...I'm starting to learn that they represent the fact that life is a process. I'm realizing that He tends to show me butterflies when I'm experiencing a lot of growth, enlightenment, adventure...It's kind of like His way of saying, are you ready for this? bit scared? don't worry, I'm here, don't be anxious, Kaylee, breathe.

so butterflies, eh? Really?....Yeah, butterflies. Butterflies it is...Everywhere recently. It's almost as if I have to be careful not to step on them....

And I'm reminded of the girl's prayer. This closet? It may just be my chrysalis; a time of great growth and change; even if I can't necessarily feel or see it happening.

In the past week or so I've also thought of the Chronicles of Narnia...I think CS Lewis knew this closet, this chrysalis. The children had to leave the world as they knew it, venture through a dark time, a place of cluttered coats and darkness, so as to breach through to another world, another kingdom, that of Narnia. We too, at times, will leave the world as we know it, venture through darkness, perhaps moments of clutter and confusion, so as to reach another kingdom, that of our Father.

So maybe, just maybe, this closet, this chrysalis isn't so bad after all.

Cheering you on as you journey through life.

May you rest in the ever-present season of life that you find yourself in. And may you fear not where you are, for wherever you are, there you are, and He with you.

Kaylee




Breathe in Me
(by Kaylee)

Breathe in me, even when I can't speak any words today.
Breathe in me, even when I can't see past yesterday.
Feels like I'm all alone...

Dark, Lonely, I feel like I've been pushed aside in here.
Searching, I suppose but not really searching at all, I fear.
Feels like I'm in my own little chrysalis...

Butterfly, Butterfly is what I'm going to be
Butterfly, Butterfly so beautiful and free
With the wind against my face
As I flutter through His grace

This world may bring pain,
But I'll fly.
Little Butterfly.